I’ve been going through a lot of old journals lately. This subject of home I had been kicking around in September of 2018. It was three months prior to moving into the new home Robert and I had built. 

The dictionary describes home as: 

1. A place of residence
2. The place in which one’s domestic affections are centered
3. The native place or region of a thing
4. Any place of refuge

And some home sayings are: At home – meaning at ease.

Home free – meaning safe, secure and settled. 

During this transition from one home to another, I was pondering what home really meant. 

Now that I am home without Robert, I’ve been pondering this meaning yet again.

A Place of Residence and the Native Place or Region of a Thing

These two definitions hold true for me. My residence and native place are both St. Louis, Missouri. I was born and raised here. This place has been home my entire life. 

My son lives here. Robert’s parents and my mother lived here. As our parents aged, we were grateful to be able to take care of their needs until they passed away. 

We have friends here and a strong faith community we are a part of through our church. 

The home I grew up in holds no sentimental value for me. In fact, it held a lot of pain. It was a broken home, hardly a place of refuge due to my father’s alcohol-induced violent outbursts. I couldn’t wait to leave home. 

Five homes followed. The sixth became my refuge where I finally came home to myself after a painful divorce. I found my joy there.

After Robert and I married, I moved into his home. It was a cozy little sanctuary for 14 years. But after Robert’s Parkinson’s diagnosis, that home would not be suitable for the growing needs we would require for his safety. Plus, we needed more space for hosting friends and family.

The Place in Which One’s Domestic Affections Are Centered – And a Place of Refuge

Now that Robert is gone, I once again find that I am coming home to myself. In this case, physically and spiritually.

I am so grateful that we built this home because it truly is a sanctuary and place of refuge. It’s extremely quiet. There is lots of what I call gracious space. While our prior home was cozy, it could easily become cluttered and cramped. 

Feeling Exiled from Home

There was a visiting pastor and therapist who gave a sermon called At Home Even in Exile. 

The passage used was Isaiah 51:1-6 where the Israelites were exiled from their homes. The promise was that God [would] never leave ]them and [would] deliver them. 

She shared her story of depression. It flares up like the bad disk in her back. Unlike the disk, which causes physical pain, depression will attack her emotionally. Left unchecked, it will question her existential truths: does God love me, does my husband love me, does what I do matter?

Her simple garden variety anxiety turns into a place where she no longer feels at home in her family, mind, or with God. She is in exile from meaning and purpose and in need of finding her joy in coming back home to her true self. 

Home – The Place That Never Goes Away

I believe home is the deepest part of ourselves. It’s our true essence, where we find our hearts and souls. 

Like a place of refuge and that phrase, home free meaning safe, secure, and settled, that’s where you find peace, purpose, and power, being settled in your own skin. 

You are at home, no longer walking in the wilderness searching outside of yourself for safety and security. It’s found when you come home to you – God’s Beloved.

Paul writes: Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God? 1 Corinthians 6:19. 

The destruction of the physical temple in Jerusalem gives way to temple theology beyond a physical presence. It represents sacred space for the Sabbath and other ways of welcoming the presence of God within. 

While I will never come home to find Robert waiting for me, I continue to learn that wherever I am, I will find home within that place where I feel loved, safe, and secure. 

Because I know that God dwells within me. 

Jesus didn’t have a place to lay his head, but he had a Kingdom. That place was always with him and within him. 

May you be at home within, that place where you will find peace and refuge.

Do you have any thoughts on home? I’d love to hear them.  

May you find joy, peace, and rest for the journey,