From my lips, to God’s ear. He had His answer ready long before I even asked.
Guest Contributor Ellsworth Johnson
If you were raised Catholic, like I was, chances are you spent some time in a confessional.
When I was in the fifth grade, growing up deep in the boroughs of New York City, my mother put me in a program organized by our local church called “Release Time.” On Wednesdays at 2:00 p.m. I, my brother and about 50 other kids from local elementary schools got to leave early, walk the half mile to Sacred Heart and spend the afternoon (and, often, into the evening) in classrooms being lectured by the nuns on various topics, attending services in the sanctuary and, occasionally, indulging in my least favorite part of the whole experience: going to confession.
Oh, how I hated the confessional! Not only did we have to wait in long lines, to visit one of what were essentially small closets built into the wood paneling which lined the sanctuary’s walls, but once there you closed the door behind you and, in the darkened space, had to bare your sins to the priest invisibly on the other side of the porous cloth partition.
I often found myself confused. Embarrassed. Fumbling for things to say to a perfect stranger about the bad stuff no one knew about but God and me (“should I mention THAT one?”).
I had forgotten that agonized feeling from my childhood — until last Tuesday, when it came back full-force.
The apostle Paul reminds us many times to trust that God already has things mapped out for us:
… for we walk by faith, not by sight. 2 Corinthians 5:7
Currently, I am under medical care at home. Jackie, my nurse (not her real name), comes by once a week to take my vital signs and do a procedure called an INR, where she pricks my finger to draw blood and uses a portable device to test how well and how quickly it clots.
One of the medications I take is called Coumadin®. It is used to control the blood’s clotting ability. I had been prescribed to take one pill a day, but twice a week I had been advised to take an additional half a pill to further inhibit blood clotting.
Well, that was the plan, but… cut a pill in half? How on earth was I supposed to do that? With a knife? Scissors? Chisel? How do you keep the pieces from flying to Kingdom Come when you split the tablet? It sounded like a huge hassle, with the possibility of making a mess and chasing pill fragments all over the room, so I decided to just take an extra whole pill (instead of half) on those days and be done with it.
(DISCLAIMER: Do NOT try this at home, or anywhere else! This was a VERY BAD thing to do, and I thank God that it didn’t result in any medical harm. Always take your medicines exactly as prescribed!)
There were consequences, though.
“Your numbers are way up. They are about as high as they should be. We should look at lowering your dose.”
Oh no! My blood was way thinner than expected. Jackie was considering making medical recommendations under false pretenses, and I was the source of the falsehood!
The numbers from the INR test were at the upper end of the acceptable range, probably because of the additional whole Coumadin® pill I was taking instead of cutting it in half as directed.
Jackie was sitting in the chair across from me in my office, busily entering information into the tablet computer she brought with her to manage all my patient-care data. Should I tell her? She might freak out and get mad. On the other hand, it would explain the result, and allow us to make decisions based on reality and, hopefully, get the expected outcome.
Contemplating Confession
I stared out the window, flipping the issue over and over in my mind, evaluating possible eventual reactions (in increasing order of severity):
#3: Jackie getting mad
#2: any medical consequences
#1: wife clubbing me senseless
I took a deep breath. “Here goes,” I thought to myself.
I told Jackie what I did and braced myself for her response.
She did not even look up from her tablet.
Experiencing Grace
“That’s OK,” she said in an even tone. “I have an extra pill cutter out in my car. You can have it.”
WHAT?
She continued.
“I bought it for another patient some time ago. It turned out he didn’t need it, so I’ve been carrying it around in my car ever since. Here… let me go get it for you.” I watched her as she put down the tablet and left the room.
Can you say “grace”? The way it was all once explained to me involved blatantly speeding and a cop car pulling you over. “Justice” is getting the hefty ticket you rightly deserve. “Mercy” is overlooking the infraction, though you were obviously very guilty. “Grace” is where the cop says, on top of letting you slide, “Oh, and here are ten courtside passes to the next Lakers home game for you and your friends.”
My mouth hung wide open. Jackie’s calm and grace-filled reaction was TOTALLY unexpected! I was completely flabbergasted at the astronomical coincidence which had just taken place.
Rationalizing God’s Provision
My rational mindset about putting together the sequence of events which must have taken place in the non-specific past to bring this all about:
One of Jackie’s patients needed a pill cutter.
Jackie bought the pill cutter.
The patient ended up not needing it.
Jackie left it in her car until now.
Just as important are all the things that did NOT happen, each of which is entirely plausible:
Jackie could have, at some point, for any reason (or no reason) taken the pill cutter out of her car.
Another patient could have needed it.
Jackie could have forgotten it was there or remembered yet not mention it.
This is hardly a complete list, but only the more obvious things. “Less obvious” is that the car could have been in an accident and been unavailable, or even a different nurse than Jackie showed up at my house that day.
Or… I could have chickened out and not said anything.
Appreciating God’s Care
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
Yet again, I am amazed in my humanness that God had it all under control, and that all the pieces fell together as He had obviously planned. And, yet again, I remind myself that I shouldn’t be surprised, considering who God is and where He sits in the scheme of things.
He has the whole universe under His dominion, yet He saw fit to make sure that I, Person #3,975,467,002 on this one obscure rock out of a trillion planets, with nothing special about him and much worthy of condemnation, still got what I needed.
Not only did I end up getting it, but He also arranged events (and non-events!) in other people’s lives to bring it all about.
I should indeed not be surprised. That’s who He is.
And I praise His name forever.
Thanks for the pill cutter.
Amen.
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One of my relatives is a hoarder, and a friend has two middle-aged sons also affected by this condition known as hoarding. Being someone who loves to research social issues, the topic piqued my interest enough for me to investigate hoarding disorders for myself.
Famous brothers Homer and Langley Collyer, well-known wealthy Manhattan residents, are recognized as hoarders. After the death of their parents in the 1920’s, the two men withdrew from the public. They split their time between the family’s Manhattan residence and their Harlem brownstones.
In 1947, a neighbor notified the police about an overpowering odor coming from their home. When the police arrived, they found Homer, who was blind and crippled, dead and surrounded by trash. David K. Israel, author of “7 Famous Hoarders” said, “His corpse was amid tons of junk, including an early X-ray machine, the jawbone of a horse and bundles upon bundles of old newspapers.”
After a full and lengthy search, Langley’s dead body was found in one of their brownstones, buried by newspapers. His death had occurred weeks before. Israel noted that Langley “had been dead for weeks and rats had eaten most of his body. It was ultimately determined that Homer died of starvation when Langley, who fed his crippled, blind brother, was crushed to death under . . . a bunch of junk.” ¹
History of Hoarding
The study of hoarding is a relatively new study. In the 1990s, many psychologists and neurologists assigned hoarding into the category of an obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) for lack of a better classification. However, owning many possessions makes a person with OCD feel anxious and unnerved while a hoarder finds extreme delight in finding bargains and purchasing a good deal. In 1993, psychology professor Randy Frost at Smith College attempted the first methodical study on hoarding. Now 24 years later, there has been an obsession with TV shows such as TLC’s Hoarding: Buried Alive and A&E’s Hoarders.
Hoarding is a brand-new disorder. In The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition: DSM-5 published in 2013, hoarding is now listed among other psychiatric diagnoses.
In the article “Why Do You Hoard?” by Bonnie Tsui states that most scientists believe hoarding has three defining characteristics:
the excessive acquisition of things that appear to be of little or no value
the inability to discard possessions; and
the disorganization of those possessions, which clutter up living spaces and make them impossible to use for their intended purposes.” ²
Hoarders
Hoarders often live alone and other people are frequently unaware of their hoarding. Other times hoarders are just considered “pack rats” by those who know them.
Hoarders may save newspapers, papers, plastic bags, pill bottles, shoes, food, mail, photographs, magazines, household supplies, flyers, bottle caps, beer bottles, clothing, or more. Some people even hoard animals.
Jill, a recovering hoarder whose last name was withheld, says about her hoarding:
“I just have too much stuff. I’m a “packrat.” There is stuff everywhere in plastic containers and in drawers. I have enough clothing to dress all the neighbor women for a couple of weeks each. This stuff is mine and I see a use for all of it. I just can’t bring myself to throw away any of it. I like it all! I really wish every space in my house wasn’t a collect-all.
We don’t even get to sit at the table as a family. My husband complains we hate to have unexpected family, we eat out because there is no space on the counter to cook, important papers get lost and we buy more stuff because so many things get misplaced. Everyone passes the blame on someone else. To top it all off, we live in a small ranch home with little closets. How will I ever overcome all of this hoard? I want to live like the normal tidy person—Stuff is ruining MY LIFE.” ³
Types of Hoarding
Many types of hoarding occur because of one’s background, education level, different personality, DNA, and other factors.
The “Address Our Mess” website discusses five main types of hoarding. ⁴
Shopper or Shopping Hoarder
This individual might shop daily. Many of the items purchased find themselves years later in the hallway or closet with the original price tags still on – unused. They might purchase clothing, collectibles, technology. They may feel incapable and experience severe anxiety if they pass up this “basement bargain.”
Food Hoarding
Some shoppers make runs to the grocery stores even when their refrigerators, freezers, and pantries are at full capacity. Throwing away outdated food seems wasteful and rarely occurs. Dealing with spoiled food, diseases, and unsanitary conditions may lead to severe illnesses and possibly death.
Garbage and Trash Hoarding
This type of hoarder is unable to discard their waste and trash. Some hoarders are known to go through other people’s garbage to see if they find valuable items. One might find trash hoarders storing garbage in their homes, garages, yards, or storage facilities.
Animal Hoarding
Many animal hoarders believe that they are helping animals by keeping them safe and loved in their living quarters or on their land. However, they fail to take into account that the lack of grooming, accumulation of waste, and non-existent exercise creates an unsatisfactory environment. Due to deplorable situations, animals are being starved and/or disease-ridden.
Paper Hoarding
Paper hoarders cannot throw away, shed, or discard anything on paper, i.e. bills, flyers, magazines, newspapers, forms, books. Stories abound of people who have been missing and later found injured or dead from being hidden under an extraordinary amount of paper products.
An excellent article written by the National Study Group on Compulsive Disorganization was reprinted in the Dec. 1, 2010, Pittsburgh Post-Gazette newspaper issue. The article was titled, “Levels of Hoarding: Some Guidelines for Recognizing the Problem.” The organization created a scale for professional organizers making their initial contact with their clients. Although the study took place in the early 1990s, it is still relevant and informative today. Click here to read the article:
Genetics, anxiety disorders, lack of organization skills, loss, being raised in poverty, fear, psychotic tendencies, and even dementia are reasons why someone might hoard.
For many hoarders, it is incomprehensible to pass by a bargain. They love to shop or purchase items online which they don’t need. They feel they might need the item one day in the future. Hoarders pile things up around their home, office, or yard in an unorganized fashion. Afterwards, they become emotionally attached to these things to the point of being unable to part with them. A vicious cycle occurs with purchasing and saving items. Year after year, the hoarding becomes more harmful and unhealthy.
However, hoarders rarely realize the extent of their hoarding. While it may be obvious to an outsider, the hoarder’s mind may not see the devastation and destruction occurring due to their accumulating and stockpiling.
Carol Mathews of the University of California, San Francisco, and others have studied the cognitive patterns of hoarders. Mathews’ MRI studies try to simulate emotions relating to hoarding, i.e. how a hoarder sorts, categorizes and thinks about discarding items. ⁴
Signs and Symptoms of Hoarding
Hoarders may not recognize how much of a burden their possessions create on their physical, social, emotional, psychological, and spiritual life. Many signs and symptoms indicate potential or established hoarders struggle to pay bills because they keep repurchasing items or devices they have “misplaced.” A few hoarders even lose custody of their children when their environment creates a needless safety or health hazards for their family.
Other indications of a hoarder may include having . . .
Limited or no livable space in their home.
An isolated and depressed life.
A regulated or non-existent social life.
Things replace human relationships.
Marital problems. (Many divorces occur due to the spouse’s inability to deal with the appalling living conditions.)
Children who will not invite their friends over to their home.
Financial problems.
An inability to organize their possessions.
An unfounded fear of running out of items, i.e. shampoo, boxes, food.
An inability to sell, give away, or part with their possessions. (This often creates an intolerable anxiety in hoarders.)
No power to keep their home functioning due to their clutter, i.e. not being able to reach a light fixture to replace a light bulb.
To live with broken household items in their home for fear of inviting repairmen into their extremely cluttered home.
An inability to bathe or reach their toilet.
An inability to cook due to broken equipment or being able to reach their stove, oven, or microwave.
Hoarding vs. Collecting
Hoarding and collecting are different entities. Both are characterized by acquiring possessions, but their purposes and intentions are different. Having a collection involves a sense of pride about what a person amasses in their acquisitions. Collectors usually display their items in an orderly fashion—on a shelf, in a curio cabinet, over the fireplace. A collector loves to talk to others about their collections.
On the other hand, a hoarder may be embarrassed by their “prized” possessions and they may be uncomfortable with others seeing their accumulation of “stuff.”
Recovery for Hoarders
Ample reasons abound regarding why hoarding should be addressed and why hoarders should be treated. However, the most important reason is that all the accumulation affects the health and safety of the individual and those around them. Hoarding can lead to hospitalizations, children being taken away from parents, fire, evictions, homelessness, and even death.
Help is available for hoarders. A clutter specialist, accountability partner, a 12-step program, and/or a physician is often needed to help with the remediation of this disorder. Understanding that recovery is a continual process is imperative. If someone came into a hoarder’s home and cleared out everything so the home was relatively clean and orderly, the home would quickly become ‘unlivable’ to the average person unless the emotional aspects of hoarding had been dealt with. To overcome a hoarding lifestyle, group involvement must occur. A hoarder needs to find a friend, family member, or support group to help with the initial stages of cleanup.
Many great articles are available on the Internet where support groups and help can be found. Talking to one’s family physician about the problem is an excellent starting point.
Christian Perspective on Hoarding
Just like any other difficulty we face in life, we need hope to overcome it. Making wise choices give us hope while addressing the problem and reaching an actual solution. Hoarding is difficult to treat. God is willing and waiting to help. Nevertheless, there must be a desire in the individual to want to do something about their hoarding problem. God and others will help hoarders free their attitudes regarding possessions and He will help in maintaining a clutter-free lifestyle. This is accomplished through God, therapy, friends, and PRAYER!
GotQuestions.org speaks to hope on its website. “No matter where a hoarder falls of the spectrum, there is hope. A hoarder needs to learn how to make healthy decisions that will lead to resisting the urge for more buying/acquiring, disposing of unneeded items, and putting things in a regular place . . . The underlying cause of hoarding is our human tendency to want things and our inability to discern what is truly valuable. For those with severe compulsive hoarding, anxiety or loss or genetics may prompt the behavior and limit a person’s ability to discern value and worth. But for all of us, Jesus is the most precious treasure we can possess, and His followers should value what He values. Trusting in Him means we no longer should rely on ourselves in a hopeless effort to meet our needs or satisfy our souls. Jesus declared, ‘I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty.” (John 6:35)” ⁶
Conclusion:
Informational blogs like this one sometimes lack the compassion which should accompany them. My desire for believers is to have compassion for those unable to free themselves from anything they find themselves in bondage to—including hoarding. When held in bondage, we are unable to be a useful witness for the Lord to others. But, when we are released from that bondage, we open ourselves up to living a full and meaningful life. Let’s be compassionate and caring. At times in our lives, we might find ourselves in difficult situations. We don’t need judgment during those times. We need love, compassion, and help.
If you like this article, let me know, because the flip side to hoarding is when people possess an extreme and excessive need to PURGE themselves of their possessions. It’s a tough concept to comprehend, but it will make for an interesting blog topic someday! And just remember, we are all on the spectrum between the two extremes!
Where do you find yourself?
——–
Bible Verses:
Thought: We live in a word filled with idolatry. Our cars, our homes, our stock portfolios, and our vacations have become idols to us. It’s not rocket science to see how a person can become a hoarder. But believers should be set apart from idolatry no matter what form it takes. The Bible tells us not to love our money or possessions but to serve the Lord with our entire heart. The verses below will help us to see God’s perspective on storing possessions, greed, compassion, and how to overcome any problem we might be facing.
You shall have no other gods before Me. (Exodus 20:3)
There is a grievous evil which I have seen under the sun: riches being hoarded by their owner to his hurt. (Ecclesiastes 5:13
Why do you say, O Jacob, and assert, O Israel, “My way is hidden from the Lord, and the justice due me escapes the notice of my God.” (Isaiah 40:27)
Ah Lord God, Behold, You have made the heavens and the earth by Your great power and by Your outstretched arm! Nothing is too difficult for You. (Jeremiah 32:17)
Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys, and where thieves do not break in or steal; 21 for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Matthew 6:19-21)
No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and wealth. (Matthew 6:24)
Then He said to them, “Beware, and be on your guard against every form of greed; for not even when one has an abundance does his life consist of his possessions.” (Luke 12:15)
Sell your possessions and give to charity; make yourselves money belts which do not wear out, an unfailing treasure in heaven, where no thief comes near nor moth destroys. 34 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. (Luke 12:33-34)
You, in Your great compassion,
Did not forsake them in the wilderness;
The pillar of cloud did not leave them by day,
To guide them on their way,
Nor the pillar of fire by night, to light for them the way in which they were to go. (Nehemiah 9:19)
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7)
Honor all people, love the brotherhood, fear God, honor the king. (1 Peter 2:17)
Prayer:
My heavenly Father. Thank you for teaching me daily more about Your people. Help me in the areas I struggle with and give me compassion for those who are different from me. Give me Your wisdom and grace. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
God Bless,
Member Inspirational Writers Alive; Bible Gateway Blogger Grid Member
Edited by E. Johnson; Bible verses are taken from the NASB if not noted otherwise.
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Answer Me: Developing a Heart for Prayer by Patti GreeneAnchor Me: Laying a Foundation in Bible Study and PrayerAwaken Me: Growing Deeper in Bible Study and Prayer
Works Cited
¹ Israel, David. “7 Famous Hoarders.” Mental Floss, 22 Oct 2009. http://mentalfloss.com.
Accessed 11 Aug 2017.
² Tsui, Bonnie. “Why Do You Hoard?” Pacific Standard, 29 Apr 2013. https://psmag.com.
Accessed 10 Aug 2017.
³ “How to Recover from Hoarding—Getting Organized.” Living on a Dime. Livingonadime.com.
Accessed 10 Aug 2017.
⁴ Types of Hoarders. Address Our Mess. https://www.clutterhoardingcleanup.com/types-of-hoarding/
Accessed 17 Oct 2017.
⁵ Got Questions. “What Does the Bible Say about Compulsive Hoarding?” Accessed 10 Aug 2017.
Caregiving: How to Prepare, Embrace, and Survive the Final Moments. Ask any recent mother about her child delivery experience and you will not hear the same run-of-the-mill stories. Each woman’s childbirth experience is different. As a point of comparison, there are just as many accounts about the dying process. Just as we come into this world in our own unique way, we will also leave it in our own distinctive fashion. But, one thing is for sure—we will all die someday. Our life stories will be different, as evidenced in obituaries and hand-me-down family stories. We hate to admit it, but simply stated, death is a part of life.
One day your parents might be sitting on the couch chatting with you. A week or so later, they may be lying in bed struggling with labored breathing and experiencing hallucinations. You may be alarmed with the death rattle you hear in their chest. Shortly thereafter, they might die in your arms or while you are in a different room. But, then what?
When a loved one is close to passing away, we know we will face impending pain, grief, and sadness especially when that final moment occurs. Often times we wish we had time to rest, mourn and cry right after the death of our loved ones—but we can’t. We are thrust into dealing with the practical steps that need to be taken. Being prepared for this moment is tough, but it is by far one of the most important steps you can take.
Commit your works to the Lord. And your plans will be established. (Proverbs 16:3)
Before the Final Moment: Preparing
If your loved one is lucid, having information available will be very helpful to you when the time of death occurs.
iInformation may include:
Instructions pertaining to burial and funeral arrangements, pastoral information, favorite Bible verses or hymns to use at funeral
Location of important documents. Examples include the will, people to notify upon death, personal documents, debts, keys (car, home, and safety deposit), pension papers, bank account information, insurance information, social security number, usernames and passwords, business instructions.
Personal information, e.g. name of colleges and degrees, certifications, past and current employers. All this is helpful to those left behind for probate, obituaries, and other important duties that need to be carried out.
If a person has been disinherited from a will, it is important to get an explanation in writing as to why in the will. This will help in resolving any disputes and/or contesting of the will.
Signs that Death is Near
As death becomes closer, you might notice that your parent might sleep more, be less verbal, eat less, drink less, encounter more pain, develop changes in blood pressure, experience a change in heart rate, undergo changes in skin, go to the bathroom less, become incontinent, suffer with confusion, experience erratic breathing, exhibit restlessness, endure difficulty swallowing, see visions, show evidence of glazed eyes, and extremities may appear bluish in color.
Saying Goodbye
Knowing when to call the family to say goodbye is difficult to gauge. When you notice symptoms, you may want to let family and close friends know so an opportunity to say a final farewell may occur. Obviously, at this point, you don’t know the exact time that death will occur, but most loved ones would appreciate a “heads up!”
It is interesting that many people have noted that sometimes before death, a person has a moment of lucidity. It happened the night before my father passed away. All the family was standing around his bed. He opened his eyes, looked at everyone and gave the biggest grin ever. It was so remarkable that he knew and loved seeing his family around during his last hours with leukemia. After seeing us all, he clapped for us. What a blessing that was!
Encountering the Final Moment: Embracing
I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever. (John 14:16)
If death occurs in a hospital or facility, the staff will usually guide you as to the steps that must take place.
If the death occurs at home under a hospice situation, there is no need to rush to call the funeral home. As reminder, “hospice” is not a place—It is a concept. Lingering around your loved one to say goodbye and comfort others is acceptable. When the hospice agency is called, they will support you and the family through your grief. They can also help you by contacting the designated funeral home if you have one. A death must be pronounced by a medical doctor or hospice nurse. Having hospice already in place will help the family during this difficult time.
It is worth mentioning that without hospice, the process will be more complicated. You will be responsible for making arrangement for your loved one to be picked up. But first, you will need to call 911. When an ambulance arrives, you might be asked when the time of death occurred. Be prepared to show a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate Order) especially if you have waited over an hour to call them.
After the Final Moment: Surviving
Request Death Certificates
When my father passed away, the funeral home told us to request at least 20 copies of the death certificates. There will be many instances where you will need them as you clear up their estate, personal affairs, and business. If the funeral home you are using does not supply those to you, they can be obtained by contacting the Vital Statistics office in the state where the death occurred. Most organizations will require an original death certificate, not a copy.
Inform All Financial Establishments
After you receive the death certificates, it will be time to contact all institutions regarding the death. Insurance companies, credit card companies, mortgage companies, brokerage firms, banks and more should be notified. Be aware that once banks are notified of a death, the accounts are usually frozen until new accounts are set up with the survivors; this may take longer than anticipated, so be sure the family has enough money/cash to get by until this is taken care of.
Get in Touch with Providers
Contact utility companies (telephone, cable, Internet service providers) for cancellation or name changes. It is not imperative to cancel home services such as gas, water, electric, lawn services, pest control until a later date. This will ensure that the home or apartment can continue to be maintained until decisions are made.
Report the Death to Government Agencies
Notify the Social Security office and the Veteran’s Administration about the loss of your loved one. While some benefits might be canceled, others may be adjusted for survivor benefits. If your parents were veterans, survivor benefits may be available depending on the eligibility for you or other family members.
Contact Employers and Former Employers
Contacting current or former employers is essential. The Human Resources departments of these organizations will help you sort out benefits, life insurance, stocks, and beneficiary information. By contacting former companies, you might be surprised to find out that there is a death benefit that you are unaware of. It is your responsibility to find out about that, not theirs!
Probate the Estate
If the deceased had a will, there is usually an executor who is responsible for handling the distributing of wealth and property once a person dies. If there is no will, each state has rules and lists of qualified individuals to help you with distribution. If you have been named an executor, you must show proof of your role before working in that capacity; this is usually stated in the person’s will or an addendum. Depending on the deceased’s estate, it can take up to a year or longer to sort out all the details.
Spiritually Speaking
One simple fact is when our loved one dies, there are no easy answers or exact protocol to follow. There will be pain, grief, and sadness. When the apostle Paul spoke of death, he desired that “according to my earnest expectation and hope, that I will not be put to shame in anything, but that with all boldness, Christ will even now, as always, be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. (Philippians 1:20) As we face our death and the death of our family members, let’s view it as the beginning, not the end—a time to exalt and glorify God. When we envision that our real home is in heaven, it may be a little easier to let our loved ones go.
Saying that we cannot trivialize death. We will miss our parents or family members when they pass away. It’s easy to focus on ourselves and the loss that we will/have encountered both before and after they die. Many people who spend the days, weeks, and months before an impending death giving their loved ones’ support, compassion, love, and care finding it very comforting to their souls.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-2 states, “There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven—a time to give birth and a time to die.” Let’s be prepared for God’s moment and His timing by being wise, fruitful, and loving while we embrace our loved ones’ last days—in both the practical and spiritual sense.
Bible Verses:
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. (Psalm 23:4)
But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. (James 1:5)
In my distress, I called upon the Lord, And cried to my God for help; He heard my voice out of His temple, And my cry for help before Him came into His ears. (Psalm 18:6)
Prayer:
Most gracious God. Please be with me as I face the final days of my parent(s). Let me care for them as You care for me. I need Your wisdom, Your grace, and Your peace. I need You now more than ever during this time when decisions need to be made. Let me be pre-prepared—both physically, emotionally and spiritually to know Your will during this difficult time. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
God Bless,
Member Inspirational Writers Alive; Bible Gateway Blogger Grid Member
Edited by E. Johnson; Bible verses are taken from the NASB if not noted otherwise.
Works Cited/Bibliography
Preparing for the Death of a Loved One. [2016]: MetaMd. National Caregiver’s Library. Accessed 15 Oct 2016. www.caregiverslibrary.org.
Randall, Clark. 5 Things to Do Immediately After a Loved One Dies. USA Today. 24 Oct 2015. Accessed 15 Oct 2016. www.USAToday.com.
What to Expect When Your Loved One is Dying. WebMD. Accessed 15 Oct 2016. www.webmd.com.
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Caregiving. My husband and I moved in with my mother when my father passed away a year and a half ago. Mom is a fragile 91-year-old. Her health is not good, but her mind is phenomenal. Today I drove Mom and her friend to their church for a special service. We stayed afterward for the end-of-the-year Women’s Club luncheon. The women chatted, laughed, and enjoyed fellowship with their friends. You might ask why I chauffer my mother around like this; I do it because I love my mother and I want her to continue to enjoy the church she has attended for the past 50 years. It is there she fellowships with her friends and shares a spiritual connection with others and the Lord.
As a caregiver, our concerns usually center around our parents’ emotional, physical and social life. One aspect often lacking in caregiving is an interest in the elderly’s spiritual life. Whether you are a part-time caregiver or a full-time caregiver, giving yourself to the spiritual needs concerning your parents is truly a privilege.
For those who take their spirituality seriously, a sense of purpose and fulfillment undergirds their lives. Despite this fact, some do not understand or take seriously this component of another’s life. Understanding spirituality is complicated because there are so many scenarios and so many definitions of spirituality at play. They involve answering questions such as:
Are you a part-time caregiver or a full-time caregiver?
Are your parents living in the same town or city as you are?
Are you a strong believer, a ‘sort of’ religious person, or an uninterested individual?
Have your parents lived a dedicated life for Christ and the church? Have they attended church sporadically? Or, have they rarely explored any ‘religious’ life?
Once you mix and match all these different dynamics together, it’s time to discern and pray about your part in your parents’ spiritual life. Regardless of your parents’ spiritual background, caring for them is one of the most compassionate undertakings you or your siblings can pursue. Included in regular caregiving responsibilities, being a part of allowing your parents to pursue or continue their interests in God, church, and spiritual growth is an important part of caregiving.
But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. (1 Timothy 5:8)
Your Parents
Many seniors who have attended church all their lives develop a deeper desire for the things of God when they get older; but many do not. Some glide into old age making their spirituality more of an inward feat and not a community feat. In Spirituality and Aging, Sociology Professor Emeritus at Marquette University David O. Moberg says, “Many scientists who study spirituality and aging have concluded that spirituality increases with age. However, it is also important to acknowledge that other prominent researchers disagree with this premise.” ¹ Gerontologists are starting to see how the spiritual life regarding their patients yields an unexplainable peace and calmness as they face the future. As a result, their physical well-being is often affected in a positive way. They see their patients with faith as possessing strength and tranquility regarding their future.
Driving Forces Why Seniors Depend on God
Many seniors are concerned about their death and the afterlife.
Their faith provides strength as they face illnesses, loss of friends, and loneliness.
They have more time to pray and read their Bible.
Concern over a reduced income and the ability to meet their needs.
A renewed or deepening dependence and guidance by the Holy Spirit.
At a time when seniors tackle new challenges, many undergo losing their support systems. This should be a huge consideration in churches as “baby boomers” are starting to fit into the senior adult category.
Driving Forces Why Seniors Abandon their Faith and Church
Lack of activities for seniors—Feeling of alienation may occur when more emphasis is given to youth ministries, young adult ministries, or any ministries besides senior adult ministries.
Miss traditions—They feel left out, unwanted, unneeded in the congregation. Seniors enjoy the familiarity of things past, i.e. hymns, Sunday dinners, fellowship luncheons.
Difficulty adjusting to change—The new programs and facilities are too much for them. Adjusting to change is especially hard for the aging population.
Hearing loss—They can’t hear the preacher or Sunday school teacher.
Stimulating services (music, yelling, confusion)—The British Alzheimer’s Society discusses noise triggers by saying, “[People with Alzheimer’s] feel bewildered or anxious because there is too much noise, too many people around, or a change in a familiar routine.”
Other disabilities—There may not be handicapped parking or wheelchair accommodations at the church. They may be unable to get to church due to disability or inability to drive themselves. Or maybe, there is too much walking to get to their classes or sanctuary easily.
Caregiving and You
As a family caregiver member, it is imperative for you to be cognizant of your parents’ needs. This includes their spiritual needs.
Practical Ways You Can Help
If you live in the same town or city as your parents, bring them to church and church functions.
If you live out-of-town, contact their church organization, friends, or other family members to set up transportation.
If your parents are in a facility, investigate what kind of spiritual activities that are available.
Make their living environment familiar and comfortable, i.e. put their favorite cross in their room, be sure their Bible is easily accessible.
Provide notecards, stamps, and addresses so they can write and minister to their friends.
Get their hearing checked by an audiologist.
Get their eyesight checked by an optometrist or an ophthalmologist.
Purchase a large-print Bible for them if needed.
And, if you or family members live in the same city or town, be sure to visit them!
Whoever serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen. (1 Peter 4:11)
Questions Caregivers Must Ask
What hindrances are my parents facing?
My parents used to attend church. Why don’t they go now?
How do I approach my unbelieving parents about Jesus Christ?
These are just a few of the many questions caregivers might have. You may want to spend some time thinking, meditating, and praying for what questions need to be asked and how you can be a part of the solution.
Being connected to God’s divine source can help you manage better as your caregiving duties progress. Continuing or starting to seek God’s presence and strength in your life will assist you as you care for and minister to your loved ones. Understanding you are not perfect alleviates a mindset of inadequacy. Remind yourself of all your parents have done for you. If they haven’t done much, it is time to ask God how He wants you to treat them and care for them regardless of the past. God is available to help you as you support your parents. By being their caregiver, you can be assured, God has given you a divine assignment—one that you won’t regret.
Salvation and Eternal Life
On our most recent visit to my mother’s oncologist, we were discussing mom’s diagnosis and future prognosis. In his matter-of-fact intonation, he said, “Mrs. —————, life is a terminal illness!” While we don’t want to think about life like this, it is true. We all will die and face an eternal future.
As we live our earthly life, let us be ever mindful about our eternal destination. Gaining an understanding of our future existence is significant in understanding life-and-death anxieties and angsts.
Both caregivers and parents and all humanity will die. CRU (formerly Campus Crusade for Christ) discusses four laws in the booklet “Have You Heard of the Four Spiritual Laws?” ²
Four Spiritual Laws
Law 1: God loves you and offers a wonderful plan for your life.
If you or your parents have not accepted Jesus Christ, now is the time to have a frank conversation with God. If you are unsure how to pray for God’s salvation, a simple well-meaning prayer can be the best decision for both of your lives.
Dear God, I know I’m a sinner, and I ask for your forgiveness. I believe Jesus Christ is Your Son. I believe that He died for my sin and that you raised Him to life. I want to trust Him as my Savior and follow Him as Lord, from this day forward. Guide my life and help me to do your will. I pray this in the name of Jesus. Amen.” ³
If you have accepted Jesus Christ but your parents haven’t, now is the time to have a candid heart-to-heart with them.
Eight days before my father passed away, I had a candid heart-to-heart with him. He prayed a prayer akin to the prayer written above. As we sat on his couch at 5 am we quietly talked together and talked to God. Some may call this a deathbed conversion. No matter what it is called, my father accepted Jesus Christ and God used me to help him make the best decision of his life.
Caretaking means being responsible for various aspects of your parents’ life. As we face our parents’ sundown years, let’s do what we can to help them hold on to, delight in, and agree to take part in their spiritual life while at the same time progressing and preserving our own spiritual life.
Dear heavenly Father, as I consider all the needs of my parents, let me be mindful of their whole being. I pray for their emotional, physical, social, and spiritual life. Make me aware of their needs. Let me offer my help. Give us both peace. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
God Bless,
Member Inspirational Writers Alive; Bible Gateway Blogger Grid Member
Edited by E. Johnson; Bible verses are taken from the NASB if not noted otherwise.
Works Cited/Bibliography
¹ Spirituality and Aging. http://www.nap411.com. Accessed 10 May 2017.
² Greene, Patti. Anchor Me: Laying a Foundation in Bible Study and Prayer. Bloomington: WestBow, 2016. [Permission given from CRU for Have You Heard of the Four Spiritual Laws summary.]
³ Begin Your Journey to Peace. www.peacewithgod.net. Accessed 10 May 2017.
Coming Soon: Caregiving Part 6: How to Prepare, Embrace, and Survive the Final Moments
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Senior citizens are living longer. They have access to medical treatments which can prolong their lives. Many “baby boomers” encounter difficult decisions about caregiving and living arrangements for their parents. While boomers are concerned about their parents’ well-being, they are often clueless about what housing options are available.
Evaluating the Level of Care Your Parents’ Needs
Safety Issues – Are your parents safe in their home? Is their driving safe for themselves and others? Are they able to take care of themselves?
Medical Issues – Are your parents able to administer and track their own medicine? What medical conditions do your parents have? Are they showing signs of memory problems?
Social Issues – Are your parents lonely? Do your parents have friends they like to socialize with?
Location – Are your parents happy where they live now? How will changing their current living situation affect them?
Cost – Are your parents financially able to sustain a decent standard of living? Are they able to afford their current housing arrangement?
Many parents are making cross-country migrations, leaving home to live with their children. The Chicago Tribune tells the story of Elizabeth Larson.
Elizabeth Larson, 93, moved from Champaign [Illinois] to be near her son, who lives in Hinsdale [Illinois].
My son said that if anything happened, if I needed him, he was too far away,” she said. She thought he was right. And she knew the solution, and that it would involve her leaving Champaign. Larson was sorry to leave neighbors she liked. But she didn’t have to leave her two closest friends. They had already moved to out-of-state retirement complexes near their own adult children. “So it was easier for me to move,” she said. And “in a way, it was kind of exciting. I thought it would be nice to be near my son. ¹
While it was a nice amicable move for Elizabeth, it can be a gut-wrenching decision for others searching for senior housing options. Moving is a complex and confusing decision. The earlier you assess your parents’ desires and needs the better it will be. By becoming aware of the different housing options available, you may be the biggest asset helping your parents come to terms with their living arrangement. Communicate with them, give them time to consider the options and be kind and gentle as they face one of the most difficult decisions of their lives.
Independent Care—Consists of single family homes or townhomes for self-sufficient seniors. They offer security and social activities in their community living setting. Services such as laundry, meals, transportation and social activities are usually provided. They are not regulated by the government. Independent Care facilities have a country club environment. The average cost to rent or buy a home, including community fees, can be up to $2,000 per month or more. They are also called retirement communities,retirement homes, or senior apartments.
Assisted Living—A community which provides 24-hour assistance. The personnel assists with eating, bathing and bathroom use. However, 24-hour medical service is not provided. Their care usually includes laundry, meals, transportation, social activities, toilet care, housekeeping and medication aid. Assisted living communities are regulated by the state. Other names for assisted living facilities are personal care homes, eldercare facilities, residential care facilities, group homes, and community residences. The cost ranges from approximately $2,300-$5,500 per month.
Nursing Home—A community which provides 24-hour assistance with daily living and medical care by nurses and therapists. Nursing homes include doctors on call, hospice and end-of-life services, medication aid, housekeeping, toilet care, bathing, dressing, transportation, and laundry. Nursing homes adhere to both state and federal regulations. They are also called rest homes, convalescent homes, and skilled nursing facilities. The cost averages between $4,000-$12,000 per month.
Continuing Care Retirement Communities (CCRC)—Campus-like communities which provide care from private residences to assisted living and skilled nursing care. They are designed for individuals with declining conditions. Many times the residents move from one community to another as their conditions change. The services are the same as nursing homes. CCRCs have some state regulations. These facilities are also called Continuing Care-Retirement facilities and life care facilities. Services and costs vary depending on what level facility one is in.
Aging in Place—Many seniors decide to age in place. This is a living arrangement where the elderly and their children have made the choice to live in the children’s home, their parents’ home or the home of their choice for as long as they are capable. When assistance is needed, nurses, private aides, physical therapists and other needed personnel will come to the home. Many seniors need to remodel their houses to make them suitable to meet their needs as they age. Financial planning is a must to handle living and home and providing for any outside help. ²
Defining Types of Care for the Elderly
Skilled Care—a type of intermediate care where the patient or resident needs more assistance than usual, generally from licensed nursing personnel and certified nursing assistants. This care is not the same as long-term care, in which a resident may not need the services of a licensed nurse on a daily basis.
Custodial Care—care when seniors need caregivers to help take care of them. Unfortunately, many older adults reach a time in their life when they can no longer care for themselves. They cannot get around the house without assistance. They cannot do the things they once did, as their physical and mental skills are not quite as sharp as they used to be. A caregiver may make all the difference between an older adult struggling with life’s demands and an adult who has a helping hand.
Palliative Care/Hospice Care—a special type of care offered to patients who are at the end of their lives. Both hospice and palliative care centers are about providing the best care possible to their patients.
Hospice care most often occurs in a home environment. Hospice is not a place—It is a concept. A hospice team consists of doctors, nurses, social workers, spiritual personnel, therapists, aides, and volunteers. Hospice does not focus on treating medical problems; rather, it centers on keeping the elderly pain-free, comfortable and happy during their last days. In the Hospice Handbook, Larry Beresford says, “While hospice is care for the dying, it places special emphasis on life and living each day as fully as possible.” ⁴ Eligibility in most hospice programs require an estimated death within the next six months due to the terminality of the patient’s illness.
Palliative care centers around the concept of care also. A nurse is there to lend support to the patient and family and to manage the pain and other symptoms which are affecting the patient. Palliative care usually occurs in a facility such as a hospital, assisted care facility, or nursing home that is associated with a palliative care team.
Due to different policies, It is important to consult with your physicians about what type of care is best for your parents.
Home Care—a type of medical and assisted living in which the care provider works with the patient within their own home. Typically, the process involves an initial meeting between the care provider and patient to determine the personal needs and the level of care required. The care provider and patient will then come up with a personal and customized program to make sure the patient’s needs are being met. The health care provider may be either a licensed professional or a part of a company which specializes in assisted living. Typically, assisted living organizations are comprised of nurses, doctors, and other medical professionals and are assigned to each patient based on their own specific needs.
Residential Care Homes—In some areas, residential care homes are the last resort in terms of finding placement for residents who don’t quite meet the criteria for nursing home care, but may not have the funds for assisted living. Residential care homes also tend to be a good choice for seniors who have mild mental health issues that hinder their ability to live independently or to be accepted into assisted living facilities.
Adult Day Care—places senior citizens into the hands of licensed professionals who are fully capable of taking care of them. For many people, this is a way for the elderly to get out of the house and socialize with other people. Socialization is extremely important; some people could easily slip into depression if they don’t have someone they can talk to.
Companion Care—Companions for the elderly. Companion care personnel are usually trained by their company in safety and CPR. They are also called comfort caregivers. No certification is required to be a companion. ³
Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you. (Exodus 20:12)
How to Pay
Often finding housing for our parents boils down to financial ability to pay for services. Without going in depth, some ways to finance parental care are to use private savings from the parents or children, money from the sale of a home, long-term insurance, reverse mortgages, Medicare or Medicaid, VA benefits, stocks/bonds, or any other financial means family or parents possess.
As children face the prospect of caring for their aging parents, complex decisions about housing are imperative. Each housing options listed above comes with benefits and complexities. It is up to the family to educate themselves on what is available by communicating with them and providing time to formulate a plan that works for all parties involved.
When my father passed away, my husband and I decided to move into my mother’s home to care for her. It was a mutual decision on our parts with the understanding that we would talk if the situation was not working well for any of us. As retired baby boomers, our situation allowed this arrangement. While it isn’t for everybody, it was a mutual decision made in the best interest of both my mother and ourselves.
As you face any upcoming living arrangements for your parents, be open-minded, respectful, realistic and informed.
The expression “there’s no place like home” is true. But, when the time comes when parents need to consider whether to move or not, let’s make sure that whatever plan is crafted creates a secure, comfortable and pleasing environment for all involved.
Bible Verses:
Whoever speaks, is to do so as one who is speaking the utterances of God; whoever serves is to do so as one who is serving by the strength which God supplies; so that in all things God may be glorified through Jesus Christ, to whom belongs the glory and dominion forever and ever. Amen. (1 Peter 4:11)
Cease striving and know that I am God. (Psalm 46:10a)
Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. (Romans 5:1)
Prayer:
Dear Lord, As I face caring for my parents, please help me honor and respect them in all decisions that must be made regarding living arrangements. I trust that You will guide me and give me wisdom as plans and decisions are made. Thank you, Lord, for helping me. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
God Bless,
Member Inspirational Writers Alive; Bible Gateway Blogger Grid Member
Coming Soon: Caregiving Part 5: Spirituality
Edited by E. Johnson; Bible verses are taken from the NASB if not noted otherwise.
Works Cited/Bibliography
¹ Older Parents Divulge What It’s Like to Leave Home to Live Near Adult Kids. Chicago Tribune. 5 June 2015. http://www.chicagotribune.com.
² Paying for Senior Care. https://www.payingforseniorcare.com. 5 May 2017.
³ Assisted Living Today. http://assistedlivingtoday.com. Accessed 5 May 2017.
⁴ McGovern, Sue. What Everyone Should Know About Hospice. St. Meinrad: Abbey Press. 2004. Print.
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The “rich and famous” can hire a personal health advocate to help them with the issues they or their parents face as they age. These advocates help with access to medication, transportation, and other individual challenges.
The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines an advocate as “one who pleads the cause of others.” ¹ They speak up for their client when they can’t speak up for themselves. While it would be nice for every elderly person to have their own personal health advocate, it is usually left up to family members to advocate on behalf of their parents and relatives rather than employing a paid staff member to help them navigate through the health and medical system.
Your parents need you and family members to:
Become familiar with their rights
Work on their behalf
Understand the intricacies of the services available
Be there to sign permissions, and
Resolve and discuss issues related to their healthcare.
Advocacy is essential when your parents reach a certain stage in life where they are unable to keep up with the complexity of the healthcare system. The elderly’s main health advocacy topics revolve around their doctor visits, medication, illnesses and disorders, dementia/Alzheimer disease, and Medicare/Medicaid.
But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him. (James 1:5)
Make Hay While the Sun Shines: Doctor Visits
If possible, you or a family member should accompany the aged to their doctor appointments. This is especially important if your parents have any cognitive disabilities surfacing. Establishing a relationship with your parents’ doctors and an office is the beginning of establishing an agreed-upon working plan for their healthcare.
Writing down questions for the doctor before the visit is always a good idea. You will want to bring a list of your parent’s symptoms with you to discuss with the physician. No matter how trivial a question might seem to you or your parents, it is important to bring it up so the doctor can piece together the entire picture so the best care is given. However, keep in mind doctors only have so much time allotted for your visit, so prioritize your questions and comments to each physician.
Always bring a list of your parent’s medications to all doctor’s appointments. Medication or dosage may change from week to week, so it is critical to inform every physician visited of any changes to vitamins, prescription drugs, and over-the-counter-medicines. In addition, depending on your parent’s insurance policies, you may want to ask your doctor to prescribe the generic medicine if it works as well as the non-generic.
After your visit, record what the doctor said, fill any new prescriptions, talk about the visit with your parents, and write down the next appointment date in your calendar along with a reminder to call for the results of any blood work.
Here Goes! Medication
Many seniors take an agglomeration of medication. It is a daunting task for them and their caregivers to make sure they are labeled correctly and administered properly.
My mother has a medicine that comes in two dosages. The problem is that the pills are the same exact shape and size. One day she wasn’t feeling well and she noticed an irregular heartbeat. After a little detective work, we discovered that she was taking a double dose of medicine because the two pills looked so similar except for the small inscription on the pill. It was quite evident that this double dose was causing a significant problem for her—one that was easily remedied but not always easy to detect.
Polypharmacy is the term used when four or more medications are prescribed to a patient. Most adults over 65 years of age are taking four or more meds and monitoring all their medicines becomes more difficult. Using the same pharmacy for all prescriptions is advantageous and advisable. The pharmacist will have records of all the medicines taken and whether there are possible side effects and interactions with other medicines. Once prescriptions are received, note the ailment that the prescription is for on the bottle or tube.
If your parents aren’t competent, it will be left up to you—the advocate and caregiver—to manage their medications. If they aren’t able, you or a family member will be responsible for doling out, organizing, and storing their medicine.
And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect. (Romans 12:2)
To help with medicine, it is wise to write what ailment all prescriptions are used for on the bottle or tube. Doing so will not only help you, but it will be useful for anyone who might need to take over distributing medicine to your parents.
Prevention is Better Than a Cure: Illnesses and Disorders
The aged are living longer now than previous generations. It follows, then, that as they live into their 80s, 90s, or even their 100s they will encounter a multitude of diseases and disorders. The most common issues affecting seniors are listed below
Accidents, Health Issues, and Disorders
Blood
Bone, joint, and muscle
Brain, spinal cord, and nerve
Cancer
Digestive
Ears, nose, and throat
Eye
Health issues and disorders of the elderly
Hearing
Heart and blood vessel
Hormonal
Immune
Infections
Injuries
Kidney and urinary tract
Liver and gallbladder
Lung and airway
Men’s health issues
Mental health
Mouth and dental
Nutrition and metabolic
Skin
Women’s health issues
As an advocate for your parents, you must be aware and discerning about their condition. It is not uncommon for the elderly to fear to tell you of new symptoms that present themselves. They may be concerned about bothering you or they may be justly concerned that you might move them from their home to a facility if it appears they have too many problems. By telling them you are concerned and asking them to be honest with you, they are more apt to mention any symptoms they notice.
If your parents are having memory problems, their ability to tell you about new symptoms may be diminished.
In This World, Nothing is Certain: Dementia and Alzheimer Disease
As we age, nothing is certain. No one knows what illnesses, if any, may be bestowed on them. But, one of the most devastating diagnoses imaginable is when you and your parents hear the words “dementia” or “Alzheimer’s.”
The terms dementia and Alzheimer’s are often used synonymously to represent any kind of changes in the brain which negatively affect cognitive function. However, they are defined differently.
The Alzheimer Foundation of America defines Alzheimer’s disease as “a progressive, degenerative disorder that attacks the brain’s nerve cells, or neurons, resulting in loss of memory, thinking and language skills, and behavioral changes.” The foundation also defines dementia as “a general term for a decline in mental ability severe enough to interfere with daily life. Memory loss is an example. Alzheimer’s is the most common type of dementia.”
The signs were already there with my father. My mother and I noticed them gradually over the years. His confusion, inability to calculate a tip, slower reaction time and forgetfulness became more pronounced. By the time we took him to a neurologist, we knew. But when my father heard the word “dementia,” he was affected. It was his reaction that concerned us the most. He became worried about living and being an encumbrance on us, but at the same time was happy to have a name to put with his symptoms. Everyone reacts differently to the news. And, with Alzheimer’s or dementia, your parents may react differently from day to day!
Speaking specifically to Alzheimer’s, there are changes to the brain that have signs and symptoms. While the symptoms vary from one person to the next, some of the most common first symptoms of Alzheimer’s are: ³
Difficulty with word-finding
Vision/spatial issues, and
Impaired reasoning or judgment
Getting lost
Changes in personality
Alzheimer’s is a progressive disease. If you notice memory and cognitive changes with your parents, make an appointment with a neurologist. They will be able to discuss your parent’s symptoms with both of you. The physician will ask about the overall health of your parents, give memory tests, look at blood work, and possibly perform a CT, MRI, or PET scan to obtain a probable diagnosis. It is important to realize there are other medical conditions that can cause the same symptoms as dementia or Alzheimer’s and the physician will want to rule those out.
Owen Darnell has written a beautiful Alzheimer’s poem titled Do Not Ask Me to Remember. ⁴
Do Not Ask Me to Remember
Do not ask me to remember,
Don’t try to make me understand.
Let me rest and know you’re with me,
Kiss my cheek and hold my hand.
I’m confused beyond your concept.
I am sad and sick and lost.
All I know is that I need you
To be with me at all cost.
Do not lose your patience with me.
Do not scold or curse or cry.
I can’t help the way I’m acting.
Can’t be different though I try.
Just remember that I need you.
That the best of me is gone,
Please don’t fail to stand beside me,
Love me ‘til my life is done.
All Systems Go: Medicare
Lastly, as your parent’s caregiver, overseeing their Medicare or Medicaid is vital.
Medicare is health insurance for people 65 or older, people under 65 with certain disabilities, and people of any age with End-Stage Renal Disease (ESRD) (permanent kidney failure requiring dialysis or a kidney transplant.
A quick overview of Medicare from Understanding Medicare [medicare.gov] states,
Medicare Part A helps covers hospital insurance.
Medicare Part B helps cover medical insurance.
Medicare Part C is a Medicare Advantage Plan that includes all benefits and services under Part A and B and more.
Medicare Part D helps cover the cost of prescription drugs.
Medicaid is a federal system providing health insurance to those requiring financial assistance.
Keeping up with the benefits and changes in Medicare or Medicaid is important because it can affect your loved one’s premiums, deductibles, hospital care, drug coverage and more. It is important not to miss deadlines for signing up and/or making changes that will affect your parent’s coverage.
There may be major changes for both Medicare and Medicaid under the new Trump administration. Reform is always in the works. Being vigilant and knowledgeable of these government programs can affect the health and care of your parents.
For more information on Medicare, click on Medicare.gov.
For more information on Medicaid, click on Medicaid.gov.
One Day at a Time: Wrap Up
Advocating for your loved ones can be exhausting and overwhelming. Your spiritual life can be a real comfort during this season. Acting in Christian love will enhance your character and provide a renewed hope for your parents. Some days will be more trying than others. Praying to be the sons and daughters your parents need will give you strength and help you to set a loving tone each day as you handle the infinite issues involved in your parent’s care.
Your parents need you to help them manage and advocate for them through their doctor visits, medication challenges, illnesses, and insurance programs. Concentrate on short-term goals. And proceed “one day at a time.”
Bible Verses:
So, do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. (Matthew 6:34)
A joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones. (Proverbs 17:22)
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor. (Romans 12:10)
Prayer:
My heavenly Father, I can get so overwhelmed with all the jobs involved in caregiving. You know I love my parents. You know I care, but I get tired. There is so much to do each day. Give me Your strength and wisdom as I face the challenges ahead. Let me wake each day with a renewed love for You and my loved ones. Let me live day by day in Your presence. These things I ask in Jesus’ Name. Amen.
God Bless,
Member Inspirational Writers Alive; Bible Gateway Blogger Grid Member
Coming Soon: Caregiving Part 4: Housing Options for Elderly Parents
Edited by E. Johnson; Bible verses are taken from the NASB if not noted otherwise.
⁴ Owen, Darnell. “Alzheimer’s Poem: Do Not Ask Me to Remember.” alzheimers.net/2013-08-05/do-not ask-me-to-remember-poem. Accessed Apr 26 2017.
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As a caregiver, one the most important things you can do for yourself and for your aging parents is to have a conversation with them about their legal, medical, and financial affairs. It is often left up to the children to address these issues and get the ball rolling before a crisis is upon the family.
A story was told about three daughters who tried to have that talk with their mother, but she would always avoid the topic by steering the conversation in a different direction. Their mother then passed away unexpectedly after at the age of 74 after falling down a flight of stairs. Since the conversation never took place, they were left learning that their mother had a mortgage on her house and the bank which held it could not divulge any information to the daughters without a death certificate. The girls found some items where they expected to find them, but then they found their mother’s insurance policy in a knitting bag.¹ Situations like these create frustration and stress as children try to handle the affairs of others before and after their parent’s death.
Often relatives are capable of setting their loved one’s affairs in order. Other times legal, medical, and financial help is needed to obtain the correct advice and documents.
A legal specialty called “elder law” helps families find specific help and advice to ensure their health and wealth is protected from upcoming legal issues, medical decisions, and money questions. An elder care attorney can usually help you see through your parent’s information. The result is an efficient approach to get you going in the right direction. Some families utilize their doctors, their financial advisers, and their own personal attorneys to reach the same goal. Different states have different laws and procedures for end-of-life planning, so it is always best to check what the laws are in your state as some may require a witness, a notary signature, or an attorney signature.
No matter which route you choose, be proactive. With so many terms related to elder care planning, I have chosen to give you a list compiled from various sources that will help you know what might be needed in your own situation. Sometimes the three areas of legal, medical, and financial overlap and other times an issue will fall directly under one category.
But sanctify Christ as Lord in your hearts, always being ready to make a defense to everyone who asks you to give an account for the hope that is in you, yet with gentleness and reverence. (1 Peter 3:15)
Legal Terms
Will/Trust – It is essential to have an up-to-date will and/or trust that designates financial, estate, and legal control and distribution. You and/or the elder may have few assets, but even with simple estates, it is generally advisable to have an attorney create a document that will protect the elder’s wishes about his or her estate.
Many people confuse a will with a trust. They both create designations for one’s assets.
Elder Law Answers, a long-term care and planning resource website, distinguishes the two by stating that the main difference is that a will and a trust is that a will goes into effect only after you die, while a trust takes effect as soon as you create it. A will is a document that directs who will receive your property at your death and it appoints a legal representative to carry out your wishes. By contrast, a trust can be used to begin distributing property before death, at death or afterward.
Durable Power of Attorney (DPOA) – A document that grants a person or persons (“Attorney-in-fact”) the legal powers to perform on behalf of the elder (“Grantor”) certain acts and functions specifically outlined in the document. This power is effective immediately and continues even if the grantor becomes disabled or incompetent. The powers usually granted include real estate, banking and financial transactions, personal and family maintenance, government benefits, estate trust and beneficiary transactions.
Advance Directive – Written instructions regarding an individual’s medical care preferences. The forms vary from state to state, but in general, advance directives can include a Living Will, Health Care Power of Attorney or Health Care Proxy, and a Do Not Resuscitate or Do Not Intubate Order (DNR or DNI). You do not necessarily need a lawyer to create these. ²
“An advance directive goes into effect only if you are incapacitated and unable to speak for yourself.” ³
Medical Terms
Advance directives are for people of all ages who might face any medical emergency or crisis. By maintaining up-to-date advance directives, you can be sure the medical treatment you want is carried out. It also relieves family members from making the gut-wrenching decisions that might occur in emergency situations. Be sure your family knows where these documents are and keep them in a handy, accessible location.
CPR (Cardiopulmonary resuscitation) – [Resuscitation that] might restore your heartbeat if your heart stops or is a life-threatening abnormal rhythm.”
Ventilator Use – Ventilators are machines that help you to breathe. A tube connected to the ventilator is put through the throat into the trachea (windpipe) so the machine can force air into the lungs. Putting the tube down the throat is called intubation.
Comfort Care – Comfort care is anything that can be done to soothe you and relieve suffering while staying in line with your wishes.
Hospice Care – [Provides] comfort to you and your family during a life-threatening illness, rather than provide treatments to cure the illness.
Palliative Care – [This is] similar to comfort care in hospice, but it is offered along with any medical treatments you might be receiving for a life-threatening illness.
Living Will – A written document that helps you tell doctors how you want to be treated if you are dying or permanently unconscious and cannot make decisions about emergency treatment. [It is important to note that a living will is different from the legal will mentioned above.]
Durable Power of Attorney for Health Care – A legal document naming a healthcare proxy, someone to make medical decisions for you at times when you might not be able to do so.
DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) – Tells medical staff in a hospital or nursing facility that you do not want them to try to return your heart to a normal rhythm if it stops or is beating unevenly. [Take this to the hospital and be sure your doctor has a copy of this document.]
DNI (Do Not Intubate) – Will alert emergency medical staff in a hospital or nursing facility that you do not want to be put on a breathing machine. [Take this to the hospital and be sure your doctor as a copy of this document.]
Organ and Tissue Donation – Allows organs or body parts from a generally healthy person who has died to be transplanted into people who need them. ³
HIPPA (Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act) – MedicineNet.com defines HIPPA as “a U.S. law designed to provide privacy standards to protect patients’ medical records and other health information provided to health plans, doctors, hospitals and other health care providers.”
To have access to your loved one’s medical records, written permission must be given. Doctors, hospitals, other providers of healthcare have HIPPA release forms for their patients to sign. These release forms authorize all or some medical information to be disclosed to other individuals or organizations. Checking to be sure you have access to your loved one’s medical records is important.
Financial Terms
The time may come when the elderly parent is not able to handle their own finances. This could be due to mental or physical impairment, visual difficulties, falling prey to scams, or the death of a spouse who handled the finances. Don’t be afraid to step in to be sure financial losses do not occur. With the advent of the computers, the elderly may easily transfer money, buy or sell stocks, or give money away without a family member even knowing. You may need to assess the situation and find out what tools will help prevent unfortunate situations from occurring.
Joint Accounts – The elder can add you or another relative to a checking account as a joint account holder. This makes you a joint owner of the funds — both you and your loved one can withdraw and deposit money and write checks. It allows the elder to maintain some independence and control and allows you to keep an eye on things, pay bills, and handle some (but not all) financial affairs.
Single-Owner Accounts with an Authorized Signer – Your older relative can add you as an authorized signer on a checking or savings account, without making you a joint owner. This means you can write checks and withdraw and deposit funds. However, because you are not an owner of the account, all transactions must be made on behalf of the elder.
Automatic Payments – You can ease the bill paying burden by helping your older relative set up electronic automatic payments or withdrawals for monthly bills.
Representative Payee for Social Security Benefits – The elder can designate you as their representative payee for Social Security benefits. A representative payee receives the Social Security benefit checks and is responsible for using the funds on behalf of the elder.
Financial Power of Attorney – With a financial power of attorney, the elder gives another person legal authority to act on their behalf. ⁴
In addition, if your loved one has an Individual Retirement Account (IRA), stocks, mutual funds, or other accounts with financial institutions, a call to those businesses might be in order. They will be able to direct you as to handling the daunting situation you may be facing with your parent’s financial matters.
Let’s face it: you may not feel equipped to initiate a conversation about the legal, medical, and financial decisions that you may encounter. But, when we approach our elders with kindness, listen to their opinions, and let them know that we are on their side to help them to make these decisions, we can proceed with confidence that we are carrying out their desires.
And by doing so, we are honoring our parents. The apostle Paul summed it up accurately when he writes, “Honor your father and mother. This is the first of God’s Ten Commandments that ends with a promise. And this is the promise: that if you honor your father and mother, yours will be a long life, full of blessing.” (Ephesians 6:23 LB.)
Bible Verses:
The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.” (Matthew 25:40)
The Lord’s bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged. (2 Timothy 2:24)
Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ. (Galatians 6:2)
Prayer:
Lord, thank You for the many resources where I can find information to help me with my parent’s legal, medical, and financial needs. Make me aware of information that is pertinent to the care of my parents. I truly want to be the best caregiver I can be. I need Your guidance and help. Let me love like You loved. Let me serve like You served. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
God Bless,
Member Inspirational Writers Alive; Bible Gateway Blogger Grid Member
Coming Soon: Caregiving Part 3:Being Your Parents’ Advocate
Edited by E. Johnson; Bible verses are taken from the NASB if not noted otherwise.
Works Cited/Bibliography
¹ Siegel Bernard, Tara. The Talk You Didn’t Have with Your Parents Could Cost. New York Times, 24 May. www.nytimes.com. Accessed 22 April 2017.
² Caring for Your Parents: Legal Issues, PBS, pbs.org. Accessed 22 April 2017.
³ Advance CARE Planning: Tips from the National Institute on Aging. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. WEB. Accessed 22 April 2017.
⁴ Michon, Kathleen. First Steps to Managing an Elder’s Finances. nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/helping-seniors-manage-money-finances-32268-2.html. Accessed 22 April 2017.
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There are many issues and facets involved in caring for ones’ parents. The style and attitude of care provided to a parent by a child can vary considerably among the parent’s children. One child embraces caregiving with a total outflowing of love and energy while another could experience a total depletion of energy and frustration. Understanding your aging parents involves many aspects of care, especially caring for their safety.
The Utah Caregiver Coalition defines caregiving as “the provision of assistance to another person who is ill, disabled, or needs help with daily activities. It often requires attention to the physical, mental, social, and psychological needs and well-being of both the caregivers and the elderly person requiring care.” ¹
In a Christian sense, caregiving is a call to serve and give your life to another person. Serving others is a Biblical theme discussed multiple times within the context of the Bible as a virtue for us to strive for and act upon.
A call to serve others comes directly from Matthew 20:28 when Matthew, the most likely author of the book, wrote:
“Just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many.”
I was privileged to live with my mother and father during my father’s final days of acute myeloid leukemia and dementia. Currently, my husband and I are living with my mother in her home as she faces her own critical health issues. In June Hunt’s book Caregiving: A Privilege, Not a Prison, she shares that caregiving provides emotional and physical support to someone unable to live independently and makes a choice with the heart and mind to give needed support to a dependent person. She also mentions that “Christian caregiving is offered in the spirit of love, compassion, and relationship.” ²
This same spirit is what I am striving for as I face many diverse issues relating to caring for my own mom as she embraces her final days.
Before addressing the safety of your parents, you must first:
Understand the aging process
Become knowledgeable about the issues facing the aging population
Become proactive regarding the safety issues facing the elderly
Understand Aging
Understanding how seniors age is a difficult feat. They struggle with: forfeiting their freedom and independence, becoming forgetful, losing their eyesight and hearing; experiencing mobility problems, encountering depression, and more. College degrees in aging address topics such as age-related diseases, the biology of aging, nutrition, laws and ethics of aging, and even caregiving.
Your parents may develop attitudes or thoughts they may never have had in their younger years. Feelings of loneliness, friendlessness, uselessness, and unwantedness may unfold. These attitudes may appear as them being unsocial, depressed, anxious, irate or sad. Issues such as living arrangements, financial matters, medical treatments and legal issues may become household topics.
Too often caregivers have trouble adjusting to their parent’s newfound attitudes and opinions. As children, knowing your parents will help to understand why and how they act. Facing these issues with a sound and patient mind will help your parents trust and adjust more to the uncertain future they are entering.
On the other hand, some seniors are even-keeled, sweet, sociable, and concerned with the welfare of others all the while dealing with these important decisions.
Let’s look at the case of an older woman who seemingly was very competent in coping with what life held for her taken from an article titled “When God Sends Help, Don’t Ask Questions” in Senior News. ³
She hurried to the pharmacy to pick up the medication. When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, “Yes, my husband is sick. I’ve locked my keys in my car. I must get home. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”
He said, Sure.” He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, “Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man.”
The man heard her little prayer and replied, “Lady I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.”
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, “Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional.”
Become Knowledgeable
In perusing the Internet, I found multiple tips on caregiving. They came under the titles: Tips for Caregivers, Being a Healthy Caregiver, Caregiver Stress: Tips for Taking Care of Yourself, Tips for Caregivers: Coping with Stress and Anxiety, Helping Seniors Manage Money and Finances, and Caring for Your Parents: Legal Issues, and Medical Tips for Seniors. After immersing myself in these articles, I have compiled some brief tips to help you get started with your caregiving tour de force:
Get your parent’s medical and legal information in order. Keep these items in a location easy for quick retrieval. The items and information you want to locate and secure include advance directives, wills, medication lists, birth certificates, insurance policies, estate planning documents, usernames, passwords, and safety deposit keys.
Communicate with your parent’s doctors, lawyers, pharmacists, and financial advisors.
Have candid conversations with your siblings. Delegate and plan a schedule for shared care even if one person is the primary caregiver.
Watch for medical issues that may surface regarding your parents and yourself.
Find out what your loved one’s preferences are regarding future living arrangements, long-term care, medical decisions, and legal issues before they are not able to participate in these discussions.
Understand you are not alone: You may need to seek out support from others. Realize, however, that unless your friends or relatives have experienced it themselves, they may not be capable of truly understanding your position.
Understand that being your parent’s caregiver is not an easy job. It is exhausting and possibly expensive, but it can be the most rewarding experience of your life.
Be Proactive in Creating a Safe Environment for Your Parents
According to the U.S. Consumer Products Safety Commission, “Many older Americans are injured in and around their homes every year. The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC) estimates that on average 1.4 million people aged 65 and older are treated in hospital emergency rooms each year for injuries associated with consumer products. Within this age group, the rate of injury is the highest for people 75 years of age and older.” ⁴
Too often caregivers are so overwhelmed they overlook basic safety issues within the home. Some issues of concern here are:
Do you need to purchase a medical alert fall-protection system?
Do you need to discuss opening their doors to strangers?
Do you need to discuss fraud and scams— Internet fraud and telephone scams?
Are the shelves in their living quarters secure?
Will phone and electrical cords cause a tripping incident?
Do you need to discuss what to do in an emergency?
Does the doorbell work?
Are the rugs on the floor secure?
Are there flammable liquids around the house?
Are hallways free of clutter for walkers and wheelchairs?
Many elderly men and women still drive. Some are capable; others are not. One of the hardest things any person has to give up is their driver’s license because it represents their independence and self-sufficiency.
Caregivers must be actively involved in the driving safety of their loved ones. Sometimes adult children can tell their parents that it is time to relinquish their keys; other times it is best left up to a physician or other entity. Either way, securing the safety of your loved one and those around them is important.
Some discussions to have with the elderly are:
Do you know which routes are the safest to take?
Have you had your hearing and vision checked recently?
Which is the best way to get to the doctor, church, friends, grocery store, and other places?
One of the most important things about caregiving is being informed. I was recently asked to teach a six-week class on Caregiving at my church. At first, I couldn’t believe someone would ask me while caretaking myself, but I did anyway, and it was great!
In preparing for the class I consulted many resources. I read books, websites, and articles on the topic. It was through learning more and listening to others that I felt better able to face the challenge with love and appreciation.
I was tasked with finding an appropriate book for the class. I bought seven books and read through about ten more. I finally decided on the best reference book currently available on the topic and I would like to recommend it in hopes this book might help you.
Morris, Virginia. How to Care for Aging Parents, 3rd Edition: A One-Stop Resource for All Your Medical, Financial, Housing, and Emotional Issues. New York: Workman, 2014. This book can be ordered HERE from Amazon.
Remember, caregiving is different for each of us. As caregivers, we must learn more to understand the aging process, use various resources to become knowledgeable about the elderly and be proactive in providing a safe environment for our loved ones.
But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever. (1 Timothy 5:8)
Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth. (Ephesians 6:2-3)
Prayer:
Dear Lord, help me to be the best caregiver possible. Give me wisdom and a desire to honor you in how I serve. There are so many issues to face. You know my time and my schedule. Let me experience joy as I honor my loved ones. Let me seek knowledge. Let me be wise in my dealings with others. Let me be generous with my hugs and kisses. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
God Bless,
Member Inspirational Writers Alive; Bible Gateway Blogger Grid Member
Coming Soon: Caregiving Part 2: Getting My Parent’s Affairs in Order on www.GreenePastures.org.
Edited by E. Johnson; Bible verses are taken from the NASB if not noted otherwise.
Works Cited/Bibliography
¹ What is Caregiving? Utah Caregiving Coalition. utahcares.org/caregiving-2. Accessed 19 Apr 2017.
² Hunt, June. Caregiving: A Privilege: Not a Prison. Dallas: Hope for the Heart, 2015.
³ When God Sends Help, Don’t Ask Questions. Seniorific News. 13 Jan 2017.
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Trouble and Stress. We all experience them from time to time. Some of us experience them more deeply than others; some experience them only when certain triggers rear their ugly heads. But, whenever and however trouble and stress occurs, it is not pleasant. We might overeat or not eat at all. It may cause us to erupt at someone we love or shout at our boss. We may desire to close ourselves up in a dark room and sleep all day and night. We might over-medicate or under-medicate ourselves. We might consider suicide or we might get professional help.
The fact is that we all react differently. But, let’s look at how stress (from our troubles) affects our body, mood, behavior, and spiritual life.
The Mayo Clinic states many ways stress affects us.¹
The Most Common Effect of Stress on Your Body are:
Headaches
Muscle tension or pain
Chest pain
Fatigue
Change in sex drive
Stomach upsets
I Sleep problems
The Most Common Effects of Stress on Your Mood are:
Anxiety
Restlessness
Lack of motivation or focus
Feeling overwhelmed
Irritability or anger
Sadness or depression
The Most Common Effects of Stress on Your Behavior are:
Overeating or undereating
Angry outbursts
Drug or alcohol abuse
Tobacco use
Social withdrawal
Exercising less often
Stress comes about when we feel overloaded or the pressure to continue at our current pace seems overwhelming. The modern life we live creates stress. We experience information overload from too many responsibilities, too much technology, too much television, and too many bad experiences.
Recently one of my friends lost her daughter who was found dead in her apartment. She told me the incident left her numb, unable to sleep, experiencing unbelief. But, along with the shock, she was automatically thrown into planning a funeral service and all that it entails. Stress was building upon stress.
Unfortunately, life happens, and we are left to pick up the pieces and move on.
How to Handle Stress
In 10 Tips to Manage Your Stress, WebMD suggests the following tips:²
Exercise
Relax your muscles
Deep breathing
Eat well
Slow down
Take a break
Make time for hobbies
Talk about your problems
Go easy on yourself
Eliminate your triggers
These are great ideas if you can follow them, but what about the spiritual side of dealing with stress?
Stress not only affects our physical, emotional, and mental health; it also affects our spiritual health. It’s easy for some to say we lack trust in God when we experience stress or anxiety. But, that is not necessarily the case. It could be that we are tired, sick, or not able to balance our work/home life adequately. Our circumstances may be in disarray and no solution seems feasible.
As believers in God, we need to remind ourselves that God is a go-to remedy to help with our stress. As Christians we are not immune to marital stress, family stress, personal stress, health stress, job stress, technology stress, or just “living in the world” stress. In addition to the medical advice above, let’s not forget that our faith can be the anchor that holds everything together during the tough and stressful times we encounter. We must lean on the strong arms of Jesus to get us through.
Biblical Suggestions to Help in Troubled Times
Pray, meditate, and interact with God every day;
Call out for the Holy Spirit to help you;
Read the Bible seeking out verses to calm your fears and anxieties;
Follow Biblical guidelines by trusting in God’s Word (even if you don’t feel like it);
Express gratitude to God for the things He has already done for you;
Keep surrounding yourself with the body of believers through church and fellowship;
Listen to Christian music, and
If you haven’t trusted Jesus Christ yet, confess your sins, and put your faith in Jesus, and accept him to be your Lord and Savior.
This week I took an online test on Facebook titled, “What Song Will Be Played at Your Funeral?”⁴ I was truly humbled (or should I say humiliated) when the site suggested My Way, written by Paul Anka and popularized by Frank Sinatra, as my funeral dirge. The theme of the song My Way is, “I did it my way.”
My Way (Frank Sinatra’s version)³
And now the end is near
So I face the final curtain
My friend, I’ll say it clear
I’ll state my case of which I’m certain
I’ve lived a life that’s full
I’ve traveled each and every highway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way
Regrets, I’ve had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exception
I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
Oh, and more, much more than this
I did it my way
Yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all and I stood tall
And did it my way
I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried
I’ve had my fails, my share of losing
And now as tears subside
I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way
Oh, no, no not me
I did it my way
For what is a man, what has he got
If not himself, then he has not
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words he would reveal
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way
While I really don’t take stock in online tests, I wasn’t particularly pleased this was my chosen funeral song. I don’t want to do everything my way. As I go through life, I want God’s way as I face stresses, challenges, and hard circumstances.
I visited this week the cemetery where my grandparents are laid to rest. I glanced over to the left of my grandfather’s grave and noticed a marker that proclaimed , “I DID IT MY WAY.”
As we encounter stress in our lives, through our body, mood, behavior, and spirit, my prayer is that we will face life “God’s way”— never forgetting the spiritual component of getting well. If we don’t, someone might put, “THEY DID IT THEIR WAY” as our epitaph!
God Bless,
Patti Greene, Member Inspirational Writers Alive
Edited by E. Johnson; Bible verses taken from the NASB.
Bible Verses:
Cast your burden upon the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken. (Psalm 55:22)
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
And do not lean on your own understanding.
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He will make your paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6)
Before I was afflicted I went astray,
But now I keep Your word.
You are good and do good;
Teach me Your statutes. (Psalm 119: 67-68)
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that always having all sufficiency in everything, you may have an abundance for every good deed. (2 Corinthians 9:8)
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:6-7)
Prayer:
Lord, I am stressed. I snap at people. I get so easily frustrated. I react too quickly. My burdens are too much for me. I see the signs of stress affecting me. I need You to show me the way I should walk and how to relieve my stress and anxiety Your way. Thank you. In Jesus’ Name. Amen.
¹ “Stress Symptoms: Effects on Your Body and Behavior.” Mayo Clinic. Web. 18 March 2017.
www.mayoclinic.org.
² “10 Tips to Manage Your Stress.” WebMd. Web. 18 March 2017. www.webmd.com.
³ “Lyrics, Sinatra. “My Way.” Warner Chappell Music. Sinatra Lyrics. Web. 18 March 2017.
www.bing.com. [Fair Use for Instruction]
⁴ “What Song Will Be Played at Your Funeral.” What Character Are You? Web. 18 March 2017.
[From Email notifications, click the title for best web viewing]
Emotional Stress – Let’s face it. Everybody experiences stress from time to time. Life brings both the good and the bad. However, some individuals experience the “ups and downs” that come with living life more than others do. In Recognizing an Emotional Breakdown, author Tara Warta says, “When pressure begins to overwhelm an individual to the point where her [his] professional or personal well-being is compromised, symptoms of a nervous breakdown may become apparent. Such an event can take place for a variety of reasons, and common culprits include a traumatic family event, [an] unreasonable amount of stress in the workplace or a dramatic change in a relationship.” ¹
When we are deeply overwhelmed or troubled, our emotions, our decision-making ability, and our relationships are unable to continue in the normal fashion. Emotional stress usually causes physical symptoms like tremors, heart palpitations, intense headaches, breakouts, physical pain in the chest, and more.
Emotional breakdowns occur when the stress becomes so unbearable that we do not know how to handle it. We have reached our limit. Different individuals experience diverse symptoms. Stressors may cause emotional instability, changes in health, and a disrupted spiritual balance. When we have reached our capacity to function, we may be on the verge of an emotional breakdown.
I performed an Internet search to find out what types of situations lead people to emotional stress. Listed below are some catalysts one might find leading to extreme stress or possibly a complete nervous breakdown.
You are pregnant and you don’t want to be;
You fear you might have dementia;
You are extremely troubled by your family’s choices;
You hate your job or you cannot find a job;
You are deeply depressed over your boyfriend or girlfriend breaking up with you;
You are extremely concerned about your church;
You fear you might not go to heaven;
You are stressed beyond measure being a caregiver;
You made a huge mistake at work;
You are fearful of being sued, fired, or foreclosed on;
You are experiencing a messy divorce;
You can’t handle or care for your children;
Moreover, the list goes on.
Thankfully, removing a few stressors allow some individuals to rebound from the emotional stress they are dealing with. Unfortunately, others may not be able to snap back even when their load lightens. In the case of a sinking state-of-mind, medical intervention is often necessary. Timely medical help may even necessitate an urgent visit to the doctor or emergency room. Never ignore your emotional well-being. It could be the difference between life and death.
Being a believer does not shield us from all the rises and falls we encounter in life. Life happens. Our source is always God, our Father. He provides His Word, His people, and his Holy Spirit to help us. When times are hard or troubles engulf us, allow Him to be our guide. We may have trouble praying ourselves in these emotional times, but God always provides. Many times, He works through other people or professionals. If you need to talk or receive counseling, choose someone you trust, and share your difficulties with him or her.
When Jesus came face to face with the most difficult time of His life, He wanted His friends nearby. Even Jesus did not try to face his most difficult moment alone and neither should we.
Jesus came with them to a place called Gethsemane, and said to His disciples, “Sit here while I go over there and pray.” And He took with Him Peter and the two sons of Zebedee [James and John], and began to be grieved and distressed. Then He said to them, “My soul is deeply grieved, to the point of death; remain here and keep watch with me.” And He went a little beyond them, and fell on His face and prayed, saying, “My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will.”
HOW TO HELP SOMEONE EXPERIENCING AN “EMOTIONALLY STRESSFUL” SITUATION
Listen
Listening does not mean giving them advice. The advice might stress them more and lead them deeper into more turmoil.
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” James 1:19 ESV
Reduce the load and stressors if possible
Find people who are willing and able to take the load and pressure off them.
“In all things I have shown you that by working hard in this way we must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive.’” Acts 20:35 ESV
Give reassurance that God cares
Be an encourager and let them know they are not alone in their present situation.
“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:11 ESV
Give confidence that feeling better is within reach
Provide hope there are better days ahead.
“For I know the plans I have for you, declares theLord, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11 ESV
Intervene, if needed, with family, medical, and/or spiritual help
Use discernment when deciding whom can best help in the situation. In addition, be prepared to act when an emergency arises.
“Then Phinehas stood up and intervened, and the plague was stayed.” Psalm 106:30 ESV
Be a confidant
Do not gossip about his/her condition or situation with others unless the person has given you permission. Even then, be discerning.
“A dishonest man spreads strife, and a whisperer separates close friends.” Proverbs 16:28 ESV
Bible Verses:
See above.
Prayer:
Oh LORD, as I reach for You, untangle my nerves and give me hope. Make things better. I am distraught; the pressures are too much. My lists grow longer every day. I cannot meet deadlines. I am about to break. Please help me Lord Jesus. In Your precious name, I pray. Amen.
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